Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
