Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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