Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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