I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
