On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
