I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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