did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
