i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
