The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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