Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
