Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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