I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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