So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
