If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
