Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
