i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize