You're my little dorito
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
