The maid of honor just puked.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
