that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
