1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
