if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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