I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
