you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So much Jack, so little girl.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
