Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
