she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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