I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
