Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
