there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
