I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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