just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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