Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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