My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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