Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
