so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
