I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Less talking, more tequila
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
