Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
