Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
