Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
