I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
