1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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