Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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