we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
