I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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