did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
