Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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