im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
