the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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