Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
