Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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