Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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