Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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