The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
