If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
