bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
