I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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