I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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