I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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