Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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