life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
